my messed up life

strip club??

fuck im tired

im about to make a big decision.either its gonna prove everyone wrong, or back fire in my face… well i guess there is only one way to figure that out. today i decided to drop outta high school and either go to an alternative school or really drop out. tomorrow i find out what my school is gonna let me do. well we will see what happens wish me best of luck!

today i found some letters i wrote to you so long ago. I miss you so much its not even funny. You were the love of my life stolen away from me by a bullet. I know no matter what you love me. & ill always love you. not a day goes by that i dont think about you. Not a day goes by that i dont speak to you. I dont know if you hear me or not but i hope you do. I remember how right after it happened, id talk to you and write you everyday, pages upon pages of letters, words, thoughts, most ended up covered in tears, unreadble, some i took to our favorite place and let them float away. never will i know exactly why it happened or who did it. All the memories i have of us, of you. I remember the day i first met you, id seen you before, but never talked to you. We were at the park, for zoeys birthday, you kept looking at me, and i remember i gave u a dirty look, you just smiled back.. I had no idea that there would be more dirty looks givin and many more smiles. You walked over to me and asked who i was, and i told you i was joes ex, your eyes got so big. we started talking and before I knew it I had fallin in love with you. I didnt want to ever leave you. I remember the second time we went to the park together, we just hung out and u waited till it was dark, you knew i loved the night time. That was the first time you told me you loved me. I just stood there so confused and you said you were sorry, you didnt need to be sorry, i told you I love you too. Then you asked why i looked so confused but i wouldnt tell you. you asked once again and i wouldnt tell u. I remember the day Amanda, Justin, You & Me drew on my pants, you took fingernail polish and wrote “jake was here” i put your date of birth & date of death on them this summer. There are so many things i wanted to do but we never got to. I remember the last day we spent together. I remember sitting in your car and out of know where you asked if I remember the first time you told me you loved me, i said ya, why? You said because I looked so confused. I told you that it was because i didnt understand how you could love me, someone like me, you could have any girl in this world, whos way prettier and skinnier then me. you looked at me as if i just spoke words u didnt understand. you of course joked and asked if i was on crack, that you have never felt this way about anyone & that you cant picture yourself with anyone else. you always had this way of making everything better & could always make me smile. YOu always used to tell me i was the only girl you wanted. I remember telling you goodbye and you kissed me & hugged me& i didnt wanna let you go. We said i love you & you drove away, never did i think that would be the last time id ever see you. I remember the night i found out it was 8 pm and ur mom called me & i heard the words, the words i never wanted to hear. I was at loss of words, I jsut dropped to the floor. I was mad, sad, confused, & pissed. I cant to this day remember much more of that night. I slept in ur clothes & it made me feel so close to you. Not a day goes by that i dont think of you, your flag is hanging in my car, ride or die, like you always said. Over time ive come to accept that what happened happened for a reason & we will never know why. I know i need to move on but i will never forget all the time we spent together, the memories we made and the love we shared. No matter waht happens in my life you will always be a part of it wiether im near or far, single or married. you are a part of my life. I love you jacob alan wolfe.

So ya…Im just completly confused on what i want right now. I recently have been talking to this guy who is younger then me which is very unusual for me, i tend to go for the older guys. Anyways i met him at a skate park when i was with my best friend. she went to school with him at her old school before she moved to my school. So she was talkin to him and his friend and asked them if they wanted to hang out. so we went driving around in my car and we had a blast, it was crazy, he made me laugh like nobody ever has! Well we exchanged numbers and continued to hang out. I knew he had a gf and whatever. the night before halloween we were hangin out at the skate park with my best friend and a bunch of other people. me and him were sittin in my car and like we were just talkin, i wanted to kiss him so bad and idk i just got the feeling that he wanted to also, but we didnt. so i took him home and after that we were textin and i told him that i wanted to kiss him so bad and he was like why didnt you and i was like bcuz u have a gf he was like not anymore we broke up. so we kept textin and i told him that ive had a crush on him for awhile and he said that he does too. we hung out the next day and it was amazing it was just like wow idk how to explain it, i felt like i was flyin at a 100 miles an hour. We kept talking but nothing ever happened. He got back wit his gf but we kept hangin out and i kept falling more and more in love with him. me and him had talked about havin sex and at that time he was a virgin, and we had talked about me takin it from him, but we kinda got into a fight or whatever and he ended up lettin his gf do it.. They constantly fight and he always comes to me when they are and will talk mad crap on her and just be like ima break up with her and sometimes they do but they end up gettin back together. Ive told him how i felt about him and his gf knows about me and him but she insists that he will change dadadda whatever… I had gotten myself away from him, away from the feelings he gave me, sat them in the back of my mind..but one night we ended up hangin out and i wouldnt look at him and it was drivin him nuts..he kept tryin ta make me look at him and stuff. after we dropped him off i told i missed him and he was like you seem like u hate me.. I was like its easier to distance myself from u cuz it hurts me so much bcuz i put so much of my time and life and heart into you but u sat there and went back to her, she makes u mad and cheats on u but yet u go back to her… while u have a girl right here who loves u and does everything for you..he just says im sorry, i spill my heart to him and thats all he says im sorry, but i know hes not cuz he keeps doin it, and i keep goin back to it. I know that if hell cheat with me hell cheat on me..but i keep goin back. one night not to long ago we were sittin in a parkin lot and we were kinda cuddlin kiss stuff like that and we almost had sex, i gave him head and ever since then he keeps askin for more, tells me im the best and that his gf cant do it like me. He told me the other night that he wish hed never have met her so that we could be together but i just dont kno what to do…I know i should just stop talkin to him but i cant its just so hard..tonight i seen on his fb just posts from him and her and stuff and its like wow wtf! he talks so much mad shit about her but then says that i understand he loves her and she was his first but why would u wanna be wit someone who is a bitch like she is, she will just start stupid shit wit him over dumb shit, like omg…talkes hella shit about me and told him she was gonna kick my ass, yet whenever talk shit ta her she wont talk shit back wont ever talk ta me when i see her, shes such a fake ass bitch. idk though.. idk what ta do about this but i just dont feel like givin up yet…but ya…idk…